Really random thoughts. Like there’s a big gumball machine of thoughts, with a hole in the bottom so the gumballs endlessly spill out even when I haven’t put a coin in. Mostly while I’m dual-processing something I’m less interested in, too. Focus is not my strong suit though I want to change that.
Anyway, you know. I’ve been thinking about L.L and the thought is persistent and singular: I wish I had not met him. I wish I could blight out the memory of knowing this person. I’m no longer disgusted or emotional about the whole thing. But I’ve never really hated someone, and I do hate him. Not in an angry, itching way. Just a quiet factual resentment, like when people say, “I’m tired, I’m going home.” I don’t dislike or enjoy or wallow in this hate. But I see now, it’s there, in spite of my mind saying that “ohhh you know, everyone deserves forgiveness and it does no one any good to hate or be hated”, it’s there, as straightforward as realizing I have eyebrows or knees.